No Funeral? Really?
In the last few years more and more people have no funeral for their family members. Either because the cost is too high, the relationship is too broken, they aren’t religious or feel intimidated by the organisation of it all…lots of people are choosing not to go the traditional route.
So, what can you do instead? Maybe you have been surprised by the absence of a traditional cremation or funeral service of someone you knew? Maybe you are thinking of a direct cremation for yourself? But who will celebrate that life? How will that look? Or will it just be an announcement on Facebook and some comments beneath?
It’s an interesting question and one I have been discussing with my mum who is very conscious of her own impending demise. The 21st century sees many of us able to have conversations about the ceremonies that mark transition points in our lives that our ancestors could only dream of…baby naming, celebrant weddings in fields, deaths without funerals...does this mean our lives are without meaning?
Moving away from organised religion and embracing our authentic selves through introspection and mindfulness is great – but it does mean we also lose the connection to one another that a wedding or a funeral can bring? How does the idea of a living funeral make those of us not about to die feel? Or the end of a life without any kind of marker to celebrate and reflect?
In this age of choice, the choice to create the ceremonies that shape our lives – hatched, matched and dispatched if you will – is an ultimate freedom. Being able to choose the style, content and atmosphere of the ceremony you want is incredibly freeing…isn’t it?
The grieving process is well documented and involves the 5 stages that we are all aware of. For me though, the process of a funeral is a cathartic exercise – there are things that need to be done, phone calls made, poems to be read, stories to be told. I had the odd experience 7 years ago of losing my beloved Stepfather and my actual father in the same year- who I did not love at all. And neither, it seems, did anyone else. I had a phone call from my estranged older brother asking me if I minded that he had “David’s remains Fed-Ex’d” – I had no idea what he meant but it was the beginnings of the Direct Cremation service. I said it didn’t bother me – I wouldn’t have gone to his funeral in any case. But it did leave me cold. My Stepdad’s funeral was attended by over 300 people and is a comfort to me to this day. The process we went through as a family was cathartic and helped me formulate feelings.
So, my point is, what replaces a traditional funeral in your heart? How do families with no funds or no will to create and attend a traditional funeral do more than just have someone cremated? And I guess that is where celebrants can lend a hand. A memorial is a way of having a service without the cost and fuss but will make sure your loved one is just that -loved and remembered.
There are so many options of what to do with their ashes – turned into fireworks and shot into the night sky, scattered by the sea, turned into a piece of jewellery, buried in a seed pod…the ideas are endless. But having a proper send off, no matter if it is expensive or not, is one of the best ways to say goodbye, celebrate a life and see the rest of your family at the same time. Even if your dear departed wasn’t that popular, it could be an opportunity to mourn together and share stories and move forward.
A good celebrant can help with all of those things. A good celebrant can bring you together and help celebrate a life lived.
If you would like to discuss the options, give me a call on 07494301940.
